Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
