i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
two words...techno handjob
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
