Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
