Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
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Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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