oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
