WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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