I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize