Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
