Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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