I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
