the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
