My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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