Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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