Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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