happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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