Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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