No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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