I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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