When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
