if you like me you must not know who I am
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I need a burrito and a hug.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
