I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
