At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
