dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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