so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
