who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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