Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
