I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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