At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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