I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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