I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
