i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
