I wish my penis had an off switch
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
