Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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