Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
