How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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