It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
