just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
