I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
