She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
