I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
