my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
