Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
