Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
