you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
where are my eyebrows?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
