I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
