gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
