My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
