eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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