Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
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I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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