I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
is wine microwaveable?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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