I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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