If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
