I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
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Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
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you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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