i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
