I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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