watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
