I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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