Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
dude. I can hear the air.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
