My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You left your phone here
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