I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
