This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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